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(no subject) [Jul. 5th, 2007|02:12 pm]
the following is a short story written by my sister and i with a little help from blake. she turned this in for her final english project and got 100 percent. we are all very proud of it. enjoy

The Luckless Leprechauns

When Pat woke up, his head was throbbing. The taste of vomit and beer lingered in his mouth. His green, leprechaun hat laid crumpled under his head – acting as a makeshift pillow on a cold bathroom floor. Crawling up to the sink, Pat’s disheveled visage appeared in the mirror. He let out a leprechaun groan and began to wash his face. After his morning rituals, Pat knew he had to locate his precious pot o’ gold. He checked his pockets, the oven, his bedroom, the toilet, and even the fridge, but it was nowhere to be found! In a state of panic, Pat pulled out his magical, leprechaun, communicating device (otherwise known as a cell phone) and frantically called all of his leprechaun friends.

First on the list was Shlomo, Pat’s most trusted friend. He was the only Jewish leprechaun in town and owned the kosher deli down the street from Pat. Pat burst into the deli and cried, “SHALOM SHLOMO! Do you have my precious pot o’ gold?”

Surprised, Shlomo threw the lox and bagels he was carrying into the air and replied, “Oi! Pat, what’s with the commotion? You’re acting like a meshugener!”

“Shlomo, remember the party last night? Well I got so wasted, and I can’t seem to track down my precious pot o’ gold!”

“What a coincidence,” said Shlomo. “My horse shoes are missing as well, and I wasn’t nearly as drunk as you.”

“My gold is missing, and your horse shoes are missing… we better go see if Wang and Seamus are missing anything too.”

So, Shlomo and Pat ventured down the road in their magical, leprechaun, transporter machine (otherwise known as a Honda Civic) to the local, leprechaun dry cleaners, owned by their good friend Wang, the only Asian leprechaun in Cloverton. “WANG!” screamed Shlomo and Pat simultaneously as they entered Wang’s Happy Dry Cleaners.

“What’s all the ruckus, Pat and Shlomo?” asked Wang.

“I can’t find my pot o’ gold,” exclaimed Pat.

“And I’m missing my special horse shoes,” sobbed Shlomo.

“Shame, shame, shame. You need to be more organized like me. I keep my rainbows in the top of my secret, special case. See?” Wang confidently opened a drawer near the cash register only to find that his rainbows were missing. He cried and ran through his store, turning over all of his clients’ orders. “WHERE ARE MY RAINBOWS!?” he shouted in a language that neither Pat nor Shlomo could understand.

“Seems like you, too, are missing something important,” Shlomo coyly suggested. “Were you at the party last night, Wang?” Pat inquired.

“Why yes, I was,” Wang answered.

“Well we were too. Who was hosting the party?”

“I have no idea,” said Wang.

“Me neither,” added Shlomo. “I bet Seamus would know though.”

So the trio made their way across town to Seamus’ Pub, the Blarney Stoned. This pub emulated everything that was negative about Cloverton. In the corner, shady figures sold their four-leafed clovers while the din of inebriated trolls and goblins resonated in the hazy, pungent air. The three leprechaun friends nervously entered the unsettling establishment. Their bright green jackets and hats contrasted the brown, earthy tones of the repulsive creatures that patronized the pub. A stubby, aged troll made his way to the young leprechauns. Warts dominated his face, and his eyes penetrated through the cloudy room as blue and bright as glaciers.

The bouncer asked, “What business do you twerps have here?”

“We wish to speak with Seamus,” Pat hesitantly stuttered.

The troll exploded. “Seamus? SEAMUS!? Why do you think you are qualified to speak with such a being as great as the one and only Seamus, owner of this pub and creator of all that is good in the world!?!?”

A voice floated out from the back of the room. “Mellow out Rognaralkolopolopolop. They’re cool,” said a scruffy, hip leprechaun to the troll. Rognaralkolopolopolop breathed heavily and stared at Wang.

“I’ll be keeping my eyes on you,” he snapped. The troll sauntered off to a stool and buried his head into a drink.

Seamus stood in front of the overwhelmed trio and explained that Rognaralkolopolopolop was just upset that his name was too long for anyone to pronounce, resulting in an unfortunate nickname. “Nobody wants to be called Ploppy Poo,” Seamus giggled. “So what can I do you for?”

“Well,” Pat began, “we all seem to be missing something very important to us. Because we were all so trashed last night, we’ve come to the conclusion that we left our stuff at the party, but we don’t know whose party it was! Do you?”

Seamus’ eyes lit up. “I’m missing something too! After that party, I realized that can’t seem to find my red balloons anywhere, but I don’t remember who hosted the party either.”

At this point the four leprechaun friends stood silently, pondering where their beloved possessions could have gone. Luckily, Rognaralkolopolopolop, also known as Ploppy Poo, waddled to the group.

“I know how you can find your things,” he grumbled. “Go see the all knowing Unicorn. He only lives about a block from here. Just follow the creek down to the meadow. He will know what to do.” The leprechaun friends thanked Ploppy Poo and continued their long journey down the creek, but since the unicorn lived only a block away, their journey was actually not really that long.

After their tiring, 3-minute endeavor, the quartet of leprechaun friends arrived at a large apartment complex, Meadow Apartments. The building towered over the minute leprechauns. Its walls, worn, torn and forlorn, ivy devouring its reddish-brown bricks, and the last vestiges of grass clinging to life around the base of this tired building mirrored old ruins of an ancient Mayan temple. Arriving at the doorstep, Pat scanned the list of names on the intercom.

He read outloud, “Johnson 301, Smithson 215, Rubengoldenbergsteinson 181…”

“Hey,” Shlomo interrupted. “I thought I was the only Jew in Cloverton.”

Ignoring Shlomo, Pat continued, “Peterson 117, O’malleyson 211, All-Knowing-Unicorn 749 7/8”

“That’s our stop,” Wang passionately announced, ringing the bell. There was a brief moment of silence, but then the buzzer rang and the door unlocked. Pat, Wang, Shlomo and Seamus made their way up the seven flights of stairs. This was very difficult for the leprechauns due to their short legs, but their determination paid off as the reached their destination.

Noticing the slightly smaller door, they realized that this was it, room 749 7/8. The door creaked open, and as soon as everybody shuffled in the dark room, it slammed behind them. They were surrounded by silence, and one by one they spoke, announcing the items they each had lost. Lights flashed. Fire erupted. The four leprechaun friends, shocked and awed, blinked rapidly at the shadowy image of a majestic unicorn on the curtain in front of them. An unexpected, high-pitched voice pierced the air.

“I am the All-Knowing-Unicorn,” squealed the All-Knowing-Unicorn. “Fear me and my all knowing power of infinite greatitude. Hear my voice and tremble beneath its awesomeness and terrifyingness. You are nothing. I am EVERYTHING! I am the mighty and majestic unicorn. You are worms, mere leprechauns…” As the unicorn continued on with his rant, Seamus, bored out of his mind, began to explore the small, shabby apartment. While looking for anything of interest, Seamus noticed something odd about this so-called “unicorn.” As he pulled aside the curtain, the squealing pitched louder “…I can make your lives hell! When you are eating dinner, I will call you like a telemarketer and offer you things that you do not want nor need. When you are on the subway reading the newspaper, I WILL BE THE ONE READING OVER YOUR SHOULDER!” The four leprechauns speechlessly stared at what they thought was a unicorn. Instead, short, gray-brown hair covered the body of a half-horse half-donkey, (otherwise known as a mule) the most dreadful creature in all of Cloverton. His head hung low under the weight of a dull, broad sword and several rolls of duct tape.

“Pay no attention to the mule behind the curtain,” the embarrassed animal remarked. Disgusted the four leprechauns lowered their heads in disappointment and headed towards the door. “Wait!” the un-unicorn called. “I may not be able to find your precious items, but I have something that will make you feel better.” The ugly creature disappeared for a moment, and the leprechauns waited in the doorway out of curiosity. The mule returned with a red box in his mouth. Throwing it at the leprechauns’ feet, the mule proudly presented the box of Lucky Charms.

“In this box, you will find your pot o’ gold, your horse shoes, your rainbows and your red balloons.”

“Thanks a lot, mule,” the leprechauns all said sarcastically together, scoffing at the silly container of cereal. They slowly turned around and walked out of the apartment.

Shlomo, the last to leave, allowed his friends to gain a lead in front of him as he stopped for one last question. “Hey mule, how did you duct tape that sword to your head without any opposable thumbs?”

The End
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2007|06:34 am]
paris hiltons jail cell: "Her cell will be Spartan: 12-by-8 feet with a toilet, sink and a window 6 inches wide."

my room in new york was 12 by 8 feet....yea i dont really care about paris hilton. (except i am happy that the dumb bitch is going to jail) just wanted to let you all know that my old room was the same size as a prison cell....at least i had a fire escape.
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(no subject) [May. 4th, 2007|03:29 am]
spider man 3 was amazing. venom was amazing. sandman was amazing.

kirsten dunst singing...not so amazing. and emo spider man was kinda funny. actually really funny. youll see
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this is me complaining [Feb. 9th, 2007|02:24 pm]
so im sick. and not just a little sick. im really sick. my head feels like it is going to explode. i cant breathe through my nose, and i have a horrible cough. ive been coughing so much, that my abs are sore. and every time i cough now, it hurts my whole body and my head.

also, im pretty sure im feverish. or something. i get really hot then really cold then really hot again.

somebody kill me.
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(no subject) [Feb. 6th, 2007|11:25 pm]
FUUUCK!!! i forgot my gigantic piece of prime rib at work. it was so big and juicy. and im so hungry. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
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(no subject) [Jan. 28th, 2007|09:46 pm]
so this past wednesday, i auditioned for a movie. its called perfect sport. its a teen angst movie about high school athletes and the pressures they face. there were a lot of people at the audition. at least a couple hundred....but i got called back. so my second audition was thursday. they didnt have a part in mind for me to read, so i just talked about myself for a bit. i got a call today and they said the director wants to meet with me. so we'll see. im so excited. and nervous. and scared. im freaking out.

i know. me as an athlete. pretty funny huh?
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(no subject) [Jan. 14th, 2007|03:42 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]

the football season is over for the seahawks. what a disappointing year for them. first all the injuries, now a heartbreaking loss to the fucking bears.

god dammit.

i cant wait to be disappointed by the mariners...only 3 and a half more months til that.
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(no subject) [Dec. 24th, 2006|06:35 pm]
my first two full days in belize have been so great. and i have 2 wonderful stories for whoever is interested.

firstly, last night miles got REALLY drunk. like blackout drunk only he didnt black out. when i saw how drunk he was getting, i kinda limited myself just in case i had to take care of him. anyway, we get back to the room and put on a movie. miles passes out...or so i think. in the middle of the movie miles gets up walks about 3 feet to the nearest night stand, pulls down his pants and starts peeing on the floor. this was the following conversation:
Me: Miles, what are you doing?
Miles: shut the fuck up.
Me: are you peeing on the floor?!
Miles:...the travel...
Me: what?
Miles: shut the fuck up!
--natasha wakes up--
Natasha: why is miles peeing on the floor?
Me: hes really drunk.
Natasha: Miles, why are you peeing on the floor?
Miles: the travel...the travel...the travel is closed...im peeing on the floor. *he finishes peeing* the travel is REOPENED!

that was interesting.

and then today we went to two mayan ruins which were amazing. i was in awe the whole time....at the second mayan ruin we had a tour guide who, for lack of a better word, was bat-shit insane. here are some of the profound things he said
"anthropologists think this woman was the ruler, and someone spat in her hand...and we all know that you can impregnate a woman by spitting"
"sometimes when you are alone, you like to be by yourself...enjoying the silence of silence."
"if you drink the bark of the cedar tree, you become strong. i tried it. it made me cry when i did not want to cry. i was very sweaty...and a little bit of mucus came out of my anus" (pronounced ah-noos)
"when i smoke the weed, i think airplanes are coming toward me when there are none. also my teeth become too big for my jaw and i can swallow anyone"

he was nuts
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(no subject) [Dec. 21st, 2006|11:20 am]
almost a full week without power. finally i can shower in light and use my own internet and all the other great things you can do with electricity. and if i wasnt leaving for belize in a few hours, i would be playing my new wii hardcore right now.
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2006|03:38 am]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

oh man do i have a lot to talk about. so first of all, i am still without power. i went over to my friend dominic's house in seattle earlier to charge my laptop and cell phone and now i am leeching off of a close by wireless network. since ive been home the power has come back on twice. the first time it was on for 5 minutes. there was a loud explosiony kind of noise, and it quickly went back out again. then it was on for about 15 minutes, and just recently went out again. so disappointing. for hanukkah, we got a nintendo wii, and all we want to do is play it. and we got to for about 5 minutes. oh well.

so i went to the seahawks game with paige on thursday night. it was a wonderful experience. we left early and walked around the exhibiton center and picked up a bunch of free shit. i got a hat, a blanket, a couple bags and some posters. all for free. i ran into sam adkins (he does the pregame show on the radio) and we talked for a bit. i stood next to warren moon too. paige and i had some pretty good seats. although we were relatively high up, we could see everything perfectly, but we were completely exposed to the pouring rain and powerful wind. i was literally blown back by it a couple times, and my hat flew off too. and even though the seahawks lost, paige and i had a great time....my throat feels like i swallowed glass though. ill post pictures of it somewhere eventually.

so the storm really kicked in as soon as we got home from the game. after an astonishing quick trip home (it only took 2 minutes to get out of the parking garage...a parking garage i have spent hours trying to get out of before...and there was very little traffic) paige and i ordered pizza. when we left to pick it up, the power was still on. when we got home, it was dark. my family, minus miles, paige and i played monopoly for a while. that was a lot of fun. during our game we heard a really loud cracking, crashing noise. it was a tree falling over. when it was time to sleep, my mom made my sister sleep in the living room and miles sleep on the couch just in case a nearby tree fell over. we all thought she was just being paranoid...until we saw the tree. the whole thing was swaying, from the ground up. we knew it was bad news. i had to move my car to the top of the driveway just in case...still, i though, theres no way a tree would fall on my house........i was so wrong. we woke up the next morning and the tree had uprooted completely. but the way it fell was so lucky for us. it missed my brothers and sisters room by inches, and even if i hadnt moved my car, it wouldve been fine. it had gotten halfway caught on my roof and gutter and then kind of propped itself up on the ground. i dont know how to explain it. all i know is that a tree fell on my house. and not a small one. crazy crazy.

i really want the power back. it was really cool though coming home from seattle tonight. driving across the 520 bridge was nuts. it was like i was driving into nothingness. completely dark.

i just want to play my wii.
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